J. Drew Sheard and son, Jacob. Credit: Facebook
There may not be many representations of healthy black motherhood in scripted television, but thanks to Viacom-funded networks like VH1 and BET and Bravo’s Real Exes of Various Cities, there’s no shortage of minority single mothers on reality series. From RHOA‘s Kandi Burruss (a relative success story) to the women of Love and Hip Hop and Basketball Wives, single moms of color get more than their fair share of airtime — as long they’re struggling with rejection, infidelity, or basic, healthful communication.
With a new reality show sub-genre emerging — the church-based series — it was only a matter of time before the single mom storylines made their way to the pew.
In last night’s premiere of The Sheards, gospel icon Karen Clark Sheard’s son, J. Drew dealt with what is often referred to as “baby mama drama.” Shantel is the mother of J. Drew’s son, Jacob. They were together for “ten years” — as Shantel often stresses to J. Drew in this episode and in upcoming ones — and he’s made clear his intention to move on. He is interested in co-parenting only, but Shantel tearfully balks at that idea. She begs, cajoles, urges, and waxes wistful about their shared history. But J Drew’s having none of it, stressing that he’ll always be there for their son. “For him,” Shantel wails. “What about me?!”
Regardless of viewers’ personal circumstances, it’s difficult to watch this. If you’re childless, it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing to watch someone play herself to this degree. But if you’ve ever been completely dismissed by a long-term partner, Shantel isn’t entirely unsympathetic, even though she really is playing herself here.
The feelings themselves are familiar. It can be hard to accept that a man who once loved you decides after a child that he’s entirely disinterested. It can be hard when he avoids contact with you and refuses to linger on any conversation — no matter how innocuous — that isn’t about “his” child.
If we’re honest with ourselves, not many of us wouldn’t take a few shots at trying to rekindle a co-parent’s interest. Even if we don’t want him back, we want him to care about us — our feelings, our progress and maybe even our appearance — because, provided he’s an involved parent, we know we’re stuck with him.
Co-parenting can feel like being stranded on a desert island; the only other person in the world who’s been in the same boat — who knows how it feels to be the parent of your child — is him. If you think of it that way, as being stranded with someone for at least 18 years, the last thing you want is to imagine a life where this person pretends he doesn’t know you or what you once were to each other.
All this aside, it would be nice if Shantel, at 24, knew better than to frequently press J. Drew for a more personal relationship when he clearly isn’t interested. But I’d wager that the reason she doesn’t know better is the same as the reason she, J. Drew, and so many other young churchgoing single parents are totally unprepared for the gauntlet of real responses and reactions to sex and its outcomes.
No one tells them anything.
The Sheards, counter-clockwise: Kierra, J. Drew, Karen, J. Drew Sr.
Churches have been under-educating kids on sex for ages, so as not to “encourage them to go out and do it.” Birth control, it’s believed by some churches, should be forsaken for moral fortitude and a desire to please God. And while the latter motivation for abstinence is admirable, ambitious, and doable, too many Christian teens (and adults, if we’re honest) are deciding not to grapple their way up to the church’s moral high ground.
For this group, premarital sex is already considered an anathema. In the event that their resolve toward abstinence fails, they they focus on beating themselves up about succumbing to sinful urges rather than focusing on finding out how to protect themselves against STIs and pregnancy.
From there, if their unmarried sex results in pregnancy, said pregnancy is often viewed as a punishment for sin. It’s nearly impossible for a couple who believes that not to punish each other, in turn. It’s also improbable that either of them will understand that that’s what they’re doing.
Enter J. Drew and Shantel. All he wants is not to have to interact with her, even if he regards their child as a blessing. She represents his moral weakness. All she wants is to get him to reconcile and recommit to her because he represents her moral weakness. The difference is: she believes all can be redeemed through marriage.
For the Christian single parent, marriage is often touted as a kind of retroactive redemption for the sin of premarital sex. But this is such an oversimplification precisely because so few Church-raised couples have enough emotional and psychological insight into sex to sustain a healthy marriage. Shows like The Sheards illustrate this firsthand.
